gsnedders

I am möbius!

Damn The Hoodie

Tags: , , April 19, 2007 (4 comments)

Today, I finally got up the courage to finally ask her out (maybe I write too much about her…). Yet I (again) did not. This time, however, the reason is idiotic. Completely and utterly idiotic.

This is a reason so completely idiotic you need to be warned about how idiotic it is before you read it, else, you may collapse in disbelief at the idiocy of it.

Really, it is rather idiotic. Having finally got up the courage to ask her, I quickly pack everything up at the end of a lesson (as the bell has already gone), and then… Well, it really is stupid.

Stupid enough, that it took so long that breaking the paragraph is justifiable. I couldn't get my hoodie on. I just couldn't get it on. By the time I got it on, she had gone.

How totally freakin' idiotic is that!?

New People In New Surroundings

Tags: , , , , April 6, 2007 (0 comments)

While away, I got very bored at times, and among other things, I did an English Writing Past Paper (from '06). What I wrote (to time the time limit of 75 minutes) is completely true, and written in the first person with reason (e.g., it's me).

Task

New places, new faces.

Write about a time when you had to cope with new people in new surroundings.

Remember to include your thoughts and feelings.

Response

Walking into the school building, everyone seems to intently be going somewhere. I have no idea where to go. This is my first day. I stand on a single spot for what seems like an eternity as everyone rushes past. Eventually someone moves me away from my beloved spot, taking me to the nine other people starting in the same year as me. The wonders of starting at an eighteen-hundred person school are upon me, or so I thought; the school has no timetable for me. Almost an hour later I finally have a timetable, and someone (now) in my registration class is sent to get me.

We scarcely get to the classroom when the bell goes. Again I have the sense of unknown danger walking through the packed corridors full of people intently going places as I go to my first ever lesson: English. Finding myself being sat beside a girl who has herself just started here, I can't help to think that we're not even beside people who have been at this school for years and can help us get into a groups of friends, especially due to how shy I am. Oh how I would love to have friends in this huge unknown place…

Surviving the next few lessons (and break!), a girl manages to catch my eye, despite the million more urgent things on my mind. Do I really need such distractions on my first day?

Later, dangerously making my way to another class, I realise she's in it too. Am I going to be able to get any work done whatsoever? Within minutes the person beside me, a boy also in my English class, realises who I'm constantly looking at. Questioning me as to what colour her bra is, I answer honestly. It's black, and rather visible through her thin white shirt. I try to reason with him that I hadn't been specifically looking, it just rather stands out. He won't believe it, despite it being the truth.

Alas, over the remainder of the day, I manage to forget about her and get my mind back to more urgent issues, like friends (or lack thereof). Despite sitting beside her in the final lesson of the day, my mind is miles beyond her. I couldn't care less. I'm surrounded by people I don't know. I just want to escape.

Almost a year later I am again sitting near her in class. She, completely unexpectedly, asks me, "Do you fancy me?".

"No", I say answering honestly. Turning around to return to work, my mind starts to go astray, filling with thoughts of her. This time, however, not just how she looks, but also how nice she is. Shaking the thought of her out of my head I attempt to return to work.

For many months my mind remains full of her, but I am too shy and cowardly to do anything about my feelings. In the end, I begin to talk to my closest friends about her, not knowing whether it would be a mistake to talk about her or not.

Months later, my friends start to go mad at my constant talk of her. They always say they'll force me to ask her out, yet they never manage. I can scarcely talk to her, yet alone do anything more. She knows how I feel about her, she's heard my friends trying to get me to ask her out often enough, yet I remain too shy to do anything about it. I've been talking about her for an eternity, maybe I should just return to my spot, unsure of what to do, unsure of how to speak to her, unsure of how others will react.

Desire, Epilogue

Tags: , , , April 1, 2007 (4 comments)

Love, lift me up out of these blues
Won't you tell me something true
I believe in you

Elevation — U2, All That You Can't Leave Behind.

Another term over, yet I have not moved on from the girl I have now fancied for ten months; I have also still not asked her out, no matter what people try.

I sat through an entire lesson yesterday having the exact same thoughts as I had on the final of the winter term, shortly before Christmas. Should I ask her, even with so many people around who will, I think, make fun of me doing so? Once again I concluded no.

Would being more confident in what she'll say help? No. I'm almost completely certain that she'll say yes. So why the impossibility of actually doing it? I'm shy. It's hard for me to speak to people I don't know. Giving them a single reason to be horrible to me makes me even quieter, and less likely to speak to them.

Can I speak to her? Yes, provided that there aren't people around that will mock me, or if she starts the conversation.

To put it short, I'm a complete and utter paranoid shy coward.

Desire, Part III

Tags: , , , , March 15, 2007 (0 comments)

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

Miracle Drug — U2.

The following is the third part of The Desire Trilogy. It may be useful to read Part I and Part II first.

I love you
I want you
I want nothing but you

I love you
I love you from head to toe
I love every part of you

I love you
I would give so much for you
I desire you so much

I love you
I am too shy to speak to you
I cannot ask you one question

I love you
I need not love someone I cannot speak to
I must find a new love

I love you
I cannot love you forever
I must find a new love

I love you
I may find these times tough
I must find a new love

I love you
I still want you
I must find a new love

I may miss you
I may regret never asking you
I must find a new love

I may be to shy to ask someone else
I may be able to speak to them
I must find a new love

I may find someone I love more
I feel as if that is impossible
I must find a new love

I know I cannot love you forever
I am just a boy
I must find a new love

Desire, Part II

Tags: , , , , , March 13, 2007 (1 comment)

Of course you're not shy
You don't have to deny love.
Hold me
Thrill me
Kiss me
Kill me.

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me — U2.

The following is the second part of The Desire Trilogy. It may be useful to read Part I first.

The subject matter is rather obvious from the start: love. It is seemingly an emo poem. Was it deliberately written as an emo poem? No. Does it have a distinctly emo tone? Yes. Why?

Let me iterate this again: I'm shy. I have, to make a long story far shorter than it deserves to be, fancied a girl for ten months. Why didn't I ask her out months ago? I'm ill. I have been for four years. I've started to drive my friends mad about it. I said several times over the weekend that I'd ask her out on Monday, something I've never done before, but this time said that if I didn't do it I'd shut up about her.

I couldn't do it. I'm too shy. I'm too nervous. I'm too embarrassed.

Having not done it yesterday afternoon, I was massively annoyed at myself. I couldn't do it. I wrote that poem off the top of my head. It's little more than a dump of what was on my mind when I was writing it – her.

To return to the subject of being emo, let's look through what the poem says, and how that compares to the Wikipedia description of emo poetry:

Emo poetry uses a combination of any of: a highly emotional tone, stream of consciousness writing, a simple (ABAB) or nonexistent rhyme scheme, references to the flesh, especially the heart, heavy use of dark or depressing adjectives, concern over the mutability of time and/or love, and disregard for punctuation, grammar, and/or spelling. Themes such as life is pain are common.

  • A highly emotional tone: I'm not even going to try and pick out a quotation for that. The fact that "love" occurs twenty times in the poem says enough.
  • Stream of consciousness writing: I wrote it off the top of my head in around five minutes. I had little else in my mind at the time.
  • A simple (ABAB) or nonexistent rhyme scheme: Rhyme scheme!? I have other things on my mind!
  • References to the flesh, especially the heart: The heart is mentioned at the end on each "love causes…" stanza.
  • Heavy use of dark or depressing adjectives: There aren't really any, but plenty of the "love causes…" responses are rather depressing or dark nouns (to the extreme of suicide).
  • Concern over the mutability of time and/or love: No, although both were somewhat implied by the consequences of love (such as suicide, which will end time and love).
  • Disregard for punctuation, grammar, and/or spelling: You want me to do that? Fuck off (although the ending is grammatically incorrect).
  • Themes such as life is pain: Although life is pain isn't mentioned, love is pain is, frequently.

Slightly emo, then. I think it's rather obvious that throughout the poem I'm annoyed at myself.

There are several things that come up again and again within the poem:

  • Why can I not ask a single question?
    Why must I be unable to ask you?
    Why can't I ask you?

    I cannot ask her out. I cannot bare to. Why then do I not get my friends to do it? I'm paranoid that they'll tease me about it for eternity. A few, close, friends know. They all scarcely know her, and don't really want to do it (although that hasn't stopped some girls getting their friends to ask me out).

  • Why must we love?

    This is repeated at the end of each stanza of questions, and really emphasises how annoyed I was at being unable to do it. If I cannot ask her out, why fancy her?

  • Love causes hearts to break.

    This is really in the same vain as the one above (although it sounds almost metaphoric, if it's the love itself that is causing your heart to break). Why, for one final time, fancy her, if I cannot ask her out?

As well as those that all come up multiple times, there are other parts of interest, such as:

  • Love causes cowardliness,
    Love causes shyness,
    Love causes embarrassment

    This is really intended to be a description of myself, even though I am in many ways cowardly regardless, and easily embarrassed, as well as being very shy.

    But why choose these three nouns to describe myself? They are the three reasons why I cannot ask her out with people (at school) around. Why not take her aside, then, and do it then? Doing that is nothing but suspicious, probably to the extreme that it'ld be better to ask her in front of everyone.

  • Why can I not be brave?
    Why can I not ask a single question?
    Why can I scarcely speak to her?

    These three question are quite obviously about one subject: asking her out. They are three very simple rhetorical questions, questioning myself, as to why I cannot do it. I must do it.

  • Love causes… fuck this. fuck life.

    The ending. Sudden, and almost unexpected. I couldn't be bothered writing more. I love her, need I lengthen it further? Have I not made my point? But then why such a harsh (and grammatically incorrect) last sentence? I cannot do it, yet I must.

Why the song lyrics? Yesterday's quotation of Discothèque references the uncontrollability of love. Today's quotation of Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me references shyness. Tomorrow's… well, you'll see tomorrow. Regardless of what song lyrics I quote here, there is one thing I must do — ask her out.

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